surprise

I mean, I’m procrastinating, let’s not beat (I originally published this as “beed” cuz I thought that was a word and that’s how much I suck at this) around the bush here, there’s no reason to, I’m probably not actually even talking to anyone because no one’s really gonna read this. Besides, I figure that since I’m finna write about Jesus it’s better than doing school work because there can’t be anything good about doing school work anyways, right? That’s right folks, you heard it here first, there’s nothing glorifying to God about doing school work, that’s in the Bible, somewhere in Ezra. Just kidding y’all, stay in school kids, Jesus says so. But I’m above the Law, though, so I’m gonna blaze my own trail and do a ‘lil writing. Also a joke, I’m just always disobedient to the Lord….. I’m no long sure of where my jokes begin and end.

Anyways, now that were through that disaster of an intro let’s chat. So I’m praying, right? Something I’ve been working on getting better at, it’s great, talking to God One vs. one on the hard wood, definitely a positive thing (He’s got one hell of a jump hook). He tells us to do it, Jesus did it and he obviously killed it so we should probs do a little copy cat action on that one, but, yet again, I digress because that’s a topic for yet another obnoxiously round about post. What do I pray for? Blessings. Which ones, what specifically? That’s personal, stop being so nosy. Not really, it’s just not really relevant, and what I say goes here, obviously.

I’ve been praying hard for this thing, maybe harder than anything I’ve prayed for before. And it sorta sucks, because I really don’t think it’d be that hard to whip up for Him but I haven’t seen much of God’s answering in that. But I’ve had this idea in my head, an illustration, if you will, about how this shapes up and goes down. I was writing in my diary, I mean journal, this weekend and I wrote some garbage down as it pertains to this and I figured, I might as well because that’s less writing I have to make up now. So this is cold hard, straight up, in the flesh, no girls allowed, no strings attached, raw, hot fire, deep from the core… but actually I’m not editing it or anything, because what’s even the point? So it might be incomplete, gappy or whatever, excuse any faults in my fifteen minute theology (I’m still working on my M.Div.) so take it with a grain of salt, sweetheart.

sometimes I think of god as a person throwing a surprise party. he has coordinated an extravagant party for us, exactly what we wanted even if we were too prideful or bashful to ask. exactly what we want, something we pray for but to get us to the surprise he needs to distract us, bring us to the movies, go get ice cream, do dumb errands even when we’re annoyed, pissed off and just want to go home and sit on the couch. No, I don’t want to wait for this or that, I am fed up.

On the other side of this aggravation, he is anxious, hoping you don’t get too impatient, waiting for him to please you that you might get of the car and walk home, forsake him, anxiousness of of love barely understanding how you can’t trust his goodness because you’ve seen it before. he’s prepared something great and is just hoping for you to stick long enough to see it, because it’s not only what you really want but what you really need, behind exactly what you prayed for. hoping you’ll follow him up the path to see the treasures unknown hidden behind the door he’s prepared for you. to see your face when you’ve found the prize the one he’s crafted form his glorious hands more beautiful than you could have every imagined, the right amounts of everything and enough of everything nots. he worked to see that face when you see his work, what he’s set before you, and look back and see why he made you go to get his oil changed and buy light bulbs. even when you wanted to abandon him and he wanted to reveal the surprise to ensure you wouldn’t escape his care, his soft embrace, his loving knowing embrace, scared of your departure losing your love until he could show his love for you.

but now that you’re here, behind that door, past the reveal, your companionship means something, something of proven trust and desire for that embrace. because patience wore thin but his heart implodes for every second you were there beyond your best judgement, and many more times then when he revealed his gift, his blessing, and even more when you realize it’s not your birthday, no anniversary or holiday, but just a day and the reason you found the prize is because you looked, because you let him lead you there, because he wanted to show his love for you hoping you would trust, and believe, revealing your love for him ever and evermore.

It’s about real blessings, y’all. He’s got some on the way, exactly what we truly want, what we need. He’s just wants to get us to that point, the big reveal. His greatest fear is losing us, our God is jealous and wants us to hold on even when we think He’s not working because that’s when our love for Him shines the most.

And I admit, even while I’m writing this it’s hard for me to believe what I wrote because what I mentioned before. It’s discouraging, disheartening and exhausting to pray and pray and be unconvinced He’s hearing our worries, struggles and complaints. Sometimes worship is hard when doubts creep and conscience wanders but even when we close our eyes on Him, our hope is secure so long as we’re still facing Him because He’s got some surprises coming, I guarantee it.

peace.

P.S. – while writing this one of my classes got cancelled #procrastinationpays #jesussaves

current favorite, for your pleasure… and an exciting thumbnail

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